skipping college

the causewayin high school starting in my sophomore year, i took college courses at the local extension campus. now, i have to say, while that sounds like heavy hitting, believe me.. it wasn’t. it didn’t take me long to realize that, for the most and at least at this school, professors loved to hear themselves talk. and some how they seem to talk on exactly what was assigned for that week’s reading. it’s almost as though they read the chapter, did a little extra research, then spoke extemporaneously for as long as the university would allow.. huh..? 😉

the spreadnow i didn’t let this little factoid go to waste.. nor did it pass me by that, though they talked tough on attendance, they often didn’t follow through on it.

being sixteen, having a car with a sunroof (to this day i still don’t understand the difference between a sunroof and a moon roof..), and a spot to get away to out of town.. well, what can you expect? i made it to.. maybe.. one of four classes. and that might be generous..

but could you blame me? about twenty miles out us 224, i had the perfect spot to get away from everything.. “everything” being the standard dementia, stagnation, and insanity of suburbia. i’d pass several small town, some of which ended up meaning something to me, others that didn’t. i got to know the gas stations as i’d stop there for my frappiccinos (it was i liked coffee.. and yes, there was a time when i didn’t like coffee) and walk in the brisk breeze to wake me up a bit. then i’d be off again for my causeway through the lake. the stars out there were great and the water would send me the hoots of owls from miles away.

drive on..there was a semester when i actually did go to class.. but that had more to do with jena. jena was twenty-four and answered calls at the extension to help pay tuition.. i was sixteen, seventeen. we were just friends, though she’d occasionally chime in with, “if you only a few years older..” we’d hang out and tell ourselves that we still weren’t crazy because we were at least asking each other if we were crazy.. and that must make us sane.. right?

she’d tell me about bills to pay, what she was dreaming about doing with herself, where she was going next.. now, i can’t lie to you, she was what some might call.. a bit shady. once i had to ask her why she was talking about cereal with another girl in the class.. turns out special k is more than just a cereal. but she was honest with me and i with her. i kept away from that and she always kept that aspect of her life a good ways away from me, which was easy since she was always at work when i saw her, save one time.. i guess part of her considered me peer.. the other part kid brother. so on the days when i didn’t have class, i’d still swing by to visit and we’d forward the calls to main campus and go root around the closed down third floor, which was shut down and allegedly used to be a psych ward. we’d sit in the abandoned conference rooms and break into (or is it “onto”?) the roof and watch as people passed us by, oblivious to the shadows above them.

before i stopped taking classes there, she made me a necklace that was too tight, sketched my portrait, and wrote me a letter that was kinder than deserved.

something as simple as that drive meant a lot to me. i still look for a road like that around here. places and times like those give me something nothing else can..

last i heard from jena she was in columbus.. just happy to be out of the home town 😉

a picture..

..is worth a thousand words. a thousand words that i’m not up to writing. i realize this synopsis is a long time in coming but i haven’t been up to it very much recently. and even though this is still a rather complete wrap-up of events and times, it gives a decent look at what we were up to and the trouble we were able to cause.

from santa cruzclick on the pictures for bigger ones..
trees are made of wood she looks unamused
so we went a-searching for a christmas tree.. an actual, live christmas tree, not one made from the by-products of a petroleum product. here, mom is looking rather unamused.
not easy being green.. west cliff
a few minutes from everything is west cliff. there’s a boardwalk along the pacific ocean.. there’s just something about being next to the pacific is great. anyway, the cliffs are lined with the greenest sea grass.. and some funky looking trees. all coniferous, of course. again, just something about those pines..
pensive not a fisheye
had to have a picture of me being pensive.
..unstable.. yeah.. dogs love me ;)
i guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise that putting up the tree was something of an adventure in itself. between the base trunk being too short, the screws entering at awkward angles, and general family disagreement on how to remedy the situation, it took a little while and plenty of laughs. sarah, though, had no issues after it all. despite scaring the crap out of her on the first day, she warmed up to me over time. don’t know if i’ll ever get over the fact that she’s a rottweiler, though, and that she’s that incredibly docile.
under redwoods.. far off gaze
another pine, this one is a redwood. and another pensive look, this one from j2.
not a jet engine.. ..but a xmas tree hostage system
looks like a jet engine.. but it’s actually a torture mechanism for christmas trees. it puts them in a plastic straight-jacket. nothing says christmas like a fully subdued christmas tree..
don’t mind me.. just twirling this wet towel.. i can fly
don’t mind me.. just twirling this wet towel around. not intended on doing anything in particular with it..
cast no shadow stealing christmas
the existential shot.. my shadow, that which i am not, cast by that which i am. and that which i am seems to be running off with a christmas tree! stop that hatted man..
sleepy
all in all, cashing out on the couch is just fine by me.

being there

(last edited a few weeks ago – left to be one of my incomplete thoughts)

from wilco’s “wishful thinking”:

Fill up your mind with all it can know
Don’t forget that your body will let it all go
Fill up your mind with all it can know
What would we be without wishful thinking

after soccer tonight, i couldn’t help but fixate myself on what might have been my lesson of the day: that much of our lives are spent on the wrong side of smoke and mirrors. what veils are pulled over our eyes on a daily.. even hourly basis? and how much of the time are we willingly deceived?

a determined soul..?

(last edited a little less than two months ago – left to be one of my incomplete thoughts)

hmm.. it’s becoming pretty obvious that i’m losing all patience.

from “the myth of sisyphus” by albert camus

it is a matter of living in that state of the absurd. i know on what it is founded, this mind and this world straining against each other without being able to embrace each other. i ask for the rule of life of that state, and what i am offered neglects its basis, negates of the terms of the painful opposition, demands of me a resignation. i ask what is involved in the condition i recognize as mine; i know it implies obscurity and ignorance; and i am assured that this ignorance explains everything and that this darkness is my light. but there is no reply here to my intent, and this stirring lyricism cannot hide the paradox from me. one must therefore turn away. kierkegaard may shout in warning: “if man had no eternal consciousness, if, at the bottom of everything, there were merely a wild, seething force producing everything, both large and trifling, in the storm of dark passions, if the bottomless void that nothing can fill underlay all things, what would life be but despair?” this cry is not likely to stop the absurd man. seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable. if in order to elude the anxious question: “what would life be?” one must, like the donkey, feed on the roses of illusion, then the absurd mind, rather than resigning itself to falsehood, prefers to adopt fearlessly kierkegaard’s reply: “despair”. everything considered, a determined soul will always manage.

from “steppenwolf” by herman hesse

What I always hated and detested and cursed above all things was this contentment, this healthiness and comfort, this carefully preserved optimism of the middle classes, this fat and prosperous brood of mediocrity.

i believe this is called a rut..

(last edited about two months ago – left to be one of my incomplete thoughts) i know full well there’s only one thing that can pull you out of a rut: yourself. but that’s why i’m pretty sure i’m screwed for a bit here.

listening to some third eye blind but nothing from the studios right now. this is a bit from “persephone” (think perse-F-owny)..

persephone can you help me?

i pushed away a summer breeze
i want the promise of a real spring
free and born again
help me

old emotions are coming back to me

i sit by myself
memories, all i want
in the last light of the sun

can’t help but think about the bit of a rut that i’m in right now. it’s nothing too serious by any means.. but it’s definitely a rut. the worst part isn’t really even how i feel but how i end up losing the patience and being.. well.. just generally cranky i guess. i’m a lot quicker to lose my patience with people or just be relatively rude.. and that’s not fair at all. not to mention that i’ve been a lot more critical and much less forgiving.

i guess it’s alright, though. this always happens and it always passes. maybe it’s just started a little earlier than usual this year.