Monthly Archives: August 2008

thoughts

who needs sleep

it’s 4am and i can’t sleep. or i can’t sleep now, is what i should say. coming home from work i went straight for my bed, laid down, and returned to consciousness again around 1am.

my apartment is a complete mess. and i’m alright with that for now: my life is currently a bit of a mess so why shouldn’t the place where i live be something of a reflection of the inner clutter that i have. there’s a bible verse i can’t seem to find about dressing in your best even when you’re in the pits.. and that makes sense and is all well and good. but sometimes you just need to let go and be how you feel. it takes so much damned energy to be happy or to trudge through the hard times that there’s just not anything left to wash the car, sort laundry, put the books away. and there’s something about the verse that just smacks of dishonesty, suggest, if only mildly, that sadness is a shameful exercise. if someone’s sad, shaming them isn’t going to help matters.

it’s interesting, too, to consider the lies our lives can create. for instance, several months ago i was in cincinnati with yasi, walking around the gas light district, commenting on just how beautiful and warm and happy the homes there seem. they just give off the sense of calm and contentedness. nothing is as it seems, though: for all i knew, there was a nuclear-sized family argument going on just then behind closed doors while i strolled outside admiring how happy they must be. i’d learn about the dangers of making that assumption just a few months later..

aside from being out of town for weeks, i’ve bounced around when it comes to what i’m going to do with life. there was a job in new york city with unicef that, for a few days, i was convinced i was going to take. much to mine and others’ surprise, i turned it down. then the position a few days ago in asheville, nc, that i would’ve at least had a pretty good shot at but didn’t apply for. they were the right decisions and i have no issues withe my choices.. it’s just interesting to contemplate the “i wonder”s now and again.

six months ago none of this was on my horizon, not even remotely. and now it’s in the here and now, part of my life. it’s just astounding to me how quickly everything can change. and it’s made me appreciate more than i ever have my friends that are part of that ever changing life. to say that i’m blessed is an embarrassing understatement, like saying the universe is “awfully big”. if i am anything, it’s because of the friends i have been given.

my latest obsession
my latest obsession

i considered staying up all night to read the brothers k like i did some months ago to finish the river why (both, interestingly enough, by david james duncan). but the river why was on a friday and back then i was waking up drenched in sweat anyway (i think i was a little sick) so staying up wasn’t a big deal. but now, tomorrow (technically today), i have to work and play soccer. instead, i read to the end of a chapter and tried to sleep. for whatever reason, these lines resound:

for a moment i say nothing, fearing i’ll sob, or choke on blood, if i speak. but then words well right up with the blood, i’m helpless to stop them: “i know you hate the mill,” i tell him, and tears come the instant i speak. “i know you love baseball, and aren’t doing what you want. but at least vera fights. she says her dopey prayers no matter what!” i lean against the door, gasping for air and strength to finish. “all i want is for you to fight, papa. to fight to stay alive inside! no matter what.“

well, my eyes are finally heavy again. i’m going to call it a morning. if there are still dirty spoons in the sink, if i have to step around the laundry, if i’m buttering toast over a hesse novel, you’re going to have to bear with me. i’m not ashamed of my life, not in the least, and i won’t be ashamed of the mess.

random thoughts

a report from midnight news..

2 Comments

if you’ve spoken with me, you know i have a thing for puns. it’s starting to show itself as something more of a handicap, though. and the more i hear/watch television, the more i believe puns are funny only to the dorky white guys that make them.

it’s ridiculous to hear people talking about the “loss of life”. “seventeen people lost their lives today..” do you think these people are out there roaming the highway, slapping their foreheads saying, “damn it! where the hell did i put that thingy?”

..to a fault..
..to a fault..

like with my grandmother. i don’t know how many times i’ve heard “i’m sorry for your loss.” it’s not as if we don’t know where she is.. in fact, we know exactly where she’ll be for a long time. as her grandchild, i was given the chance to place a memento in the casket. when i showed my mother my “gift”, she immediately vetoed it. it was the classic exploding worm from the peanut can. i decided to go with that since i would, as a kid, scare the bejesus out of her. but why shouldn’t i put that in there?! what’s going to happen, that i scare her to death? (don’t worry, i didn’t actually say that)

ok, another one: is anyone a little confused by the headlines “russia invades georgia”? is anyone thinking of the state just west of alabama and wondering if the russian just really want tons of peaches? perhaps to boost exports of peach schnaps..? (yes, i recognize schnaps is german..)

is it just me or does anderson cooper look like he’s trying out for “zoolander 2: more better good looking”?

"Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game."
"Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game."

and by the way, for anyone else that stays up late, an over-the-shoulder organizer.. is a purse!

now the cnn anchors are sharing their myspace pages. the end of the world will follow shortly, i assure you. apparently the facebook url (and yes.. they actually said this).. the facebook url is “too convoluted” to post on the screen. if i see that any of you have “friended” a cnn anchor without being at least their second cousin, then i disown you as a friend. and i will subsequently remove you from my linkedin profile, which is a professional and respected site for grown up business purposes only and isn’t a thin veil for the nerds of the social networking scene who want in to the cool crowd but just can’t hack it (that pun, by the way, wasn’t intended.. 😉 ).

issues

the weight of air

a confession: i’m a sucker for the bourne series and most football movies. judge me if you will..

truth of the matter is that their situations seem so ideal. take the bourne supremacy for example.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOLviFy9inA
the bourne supremacy

now think about his situation as compared to most everyone’s daily battle. he knows his enemies, knows where they are, what they look like, how they act, how to take them down. he can physically confront each obstacle and fight his way through and, in the end, he knows he if he’s failed or succeeded based on who’s left standing. and afterwards, his issues with those enemies is resolved.

us, though, face a different battle all together. most of our enemies and battles are against ghosts, unknown to us in every way. we punch at phantoms, we grasp at gaps, scream pointlessly at the sky, and run towards no set finish-line. there is no response, though, no noses we can bloody, no ears we can occupy, no perpetrator we can pin down and violently threaten to give us our way. we can’t run faster, get stronger, or shoot straighter to win our battles. rarely do we have the luxury of knowing when our fight is won or lost or if we’ve made any difference at all. often we have no idea whether the battle can be won at all.

instead, we wake each day to a try to divine who or what our demons looks like today. instead, we fight based on faith.