more than once i’ve been her lying on the couch.. truth is, though, i don’t know if i have the courage to be that person, that nobody. and i need to be, i think. until i can come to grips with that i think i’ll be horribly disappointed. am i on the wrong track with that?

the results of my own hankerings.. there’s a question if there ever was one. i’ve thought for weeks about this, about what i should be doing. i haven’t come up with anything, though. a zoology degree that i despise, a gis job that i fell into, and a knack for programming a couple things but no real way to get into it.. and even if i did.. what then?

i can’t help but wonder sometimes what would happen if i cast this all away, went to europe and lost myself for a bit. -see, though, there’s an/the inherent flaw in my thinking – i see myself leaving.. but i see it as a third person, i see it as though i could fully get away from myself for a while. is that what i need for a bit, to lose myself? i’ve learned from my past mistakes – just because you travel half the world doesn’t mean you can get away from yourself, your mind, your thoughts..

but i better get busy. i’ve been meaning to get a dry-erase board for my rooms for a couple weeks. all i want to put on it for now is, “get. yourself. together.” because it’s time to, as you and z say, get myself together. because the goddam sands are running out.

and dear god if this this world isn’t the most phenomenal thing i’ve ever dreamed up.

“For joy, apparently, it was all Franny could do to hold the phone, even with both hands.” -salinger