All posts by paulo

random thoughts

a determined soul..?

(last edited a little less than two months ago – left to be one of my incomplete thoughts)

hmm.. it’s becoming pretty obvious that i’m losing all patience.

from “the myth of sisyphus” by albert camus

it is a matter of living in that state of the absurd. i know on what it is founded, this mind and this world straining against each other without being able to embrace each other. i ask for the rule of life of that state, and what i am offered neglects its basis, negates of the terms of the painful opposition, demands of me a resignation. i ask what is involved in the condition i recognize as mine; i know it implies obscurity and ignorance; and i am assured that this ignorance explains everything and that this darkness is my light. but there is no reply here to my intent, and this stirring lyricism cannot hide the paradox from me. one must therefore turn away. kierkegaard may shout in warning: “if man had no eternal consciousness, if, at the bottom of everything, there were merely a wild, seething force producing everything, both large and trifling, in the storm of dark passions, if the bottomless void that nothing can fill underlay all things, what would life be but despair?” this cry is not likely to stop the absurd man. seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable. if in order to elude the anxious question: “what would life be?” one must, like the donkey, feed on the roses of illusion, then the absurd mind, rather than resigning itself to falsehood, prefers to adopt fearlessly kierkegaard’s reply: “despair”. everything considered, a determined soul will always manage.

from “steppenwolf” by herman hesse

What I always hated and detested and cursed above all things was this contentment, this healthiness and comfort, this carefully preserved optimism of the middle classes, this fat and prosperous brood of mediocrity.

random thoughts, thoughts

i believe this is called a rut..

(last edited about two months ago – left to be one of my incomplete thoughts) i know full well there’s only one thing that can pull you out of a rut: yourself. but that’s why i’m pretty sure i’m screwed for a bit here.

listening to some third eye blind but nothing from the studios right now. this is a bit from “persephone” (think perse-F-owny)..

persephone can you help me?

i pushed away a summer breeze
i want the promise of a real spring
free and born again
help me

old emotions are coming back to me

i sit by myself
memories, all i want
in the last light of the sun

can’t help but think about the bit of a rut that i’m in right now. it’s nothing too serious by any means.. but it’s definitely a rut. the worst part isn’t really even how i feel but how i end up losing the patience and being.. well.. just generally cranky i guess. i’m a lot quicker to lose my patience with people or just be relatively rude.. and that’s not fair at all. not to mention that i’ve been a lot more critical and much less forgiving.

i guess it’s alright, though. this always happens and it always passes. maybe it’s just started a little earlier than usual this year.

thoughts

the river why – david james duncan

the river whyi guess it shouldn’t be any huge surprise that, after finishing the moon is down, i’ve run off and bought more books. this despite the fact that i brought two other books i need to finish, the quiet american and principles in the sciences (an old, march 1944 university of chicago reader i picked up in the annual used book sale near uc.. good luck finding a link for that one). but they were from the local independent bookstore, bookshop santa cruz.. so i’m supporting a cause, right?

so i picked up two books, one being the river why by david james duncan. a good friend in college read this book and recommended it.. and if i remember correctly, he recommended it over a river runs through it by norman maclean. not unlike a river runs through it, the river why starts out by throwing the reader a bunch of good if slightly disjointed stories that are, in one way or another, about fly fishing. they’re all very good and applicable and loosely chronologic.. they just come off as somewhat random, which i like. i’ll give you full run-down when i’m through.. that is, if i stick to this one and don’t pull my normal about-face and jump on to the vet’s daughter. i’ll keep you updated..

bookshop santa cruz

Uncategorized

return your seats to the full, upright position

do pilots these days get trained on how to have possibly the most dull sounding voice possible? i feel like i’d rather call the cable company and get bounced around for a while on their automated phone networks than listen to another pilot explain in the dullest terms possible what the next four hours are going to be like.

airplane, the moviei honestly can’t describe to you how irritated i get when i hear them over the loud speaker and they get going full swing. why do they always have to end their sentences by speaking through their noses and with a decrescendo?! if they want to add emphasis to anything, it seems like they just raise their eyebrows.. don’t they know we can’t see that! instead it comes out as (if anything at all) as a mild increase in volume in a sentence destined to end with a nasally downfall.

it just sucks the life out of me to hear people so uninterested in life or their speech. don’t get me wrong: i know they’re probably great, exciting people who, outside of the cockpit, are pretty damn fun.. but what goes on in there that makes life so painfully monotone? it nearly sets a state of a panic in me: for a minute, i fear that life is destined to be like that moment, monotone, old, stale with recycled air, muted colors, and surrounded by people constantly half-asleep. i hear them and immediately my outlook on life starts taking a nosedive into some nameless field in the middle of unknown land.

one day, though, i know i’ll fly with a pilot with a sense of humor. as a happier parting note, i’ll add this bit of humor that was apparently overheard.. real or not, it gives me hope that there are people out there fighting the overpowering dullness that threatens to drag us into the doldrums.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child.. pick your favorite.

happenings

the roaring 20’s

hobbit town at nightso i’m currently in santa cruz, california with my mom visiting my aunt and two cousins, j1 and j2. i have to say: if i were to move out west, this place would be tops for me. now, that could be just because of those three people.. but damn if this isn’t an awesome area. there’s always been something about redwoods that just feel like home. the smell, the protection of their canopies, the nettle mats that surround them.. my whole being slows down whenever i’m near them. yes, i know that makes me sound very.. earthy.. but it’s true. i just feel like i’m supposed to grab a book or journal and go sit under them while a silent snow gathers on its branches. i can work a lot out in that space..

j1 and j2 are two of the best.. i mean it, really, they’re two of my favorite people around 😉 j1 is about done with high school and will soon be headed off to college – a crazy thought considering it really does feel like just a couple weeks ago that she was j2bouncing around and tugging on my shirt to tell me about heading to the boardwalk. now she’s a pretty accomplished dressage rider (i’ll have to ask her if that’s what she’s called) and is a heck of a softball player, too. she’s avoided the lens thus far, though, so we’ll have to pin her down later. j2 is going to be in high school next year and can text faster than i can type. she’s a softballer, too, but she’s also into volleyball. just need to start making climbers out of the two of ‘em. kinda hard, though, when i only get the rare snapshot of their lives. maybe they’ll teach me to text like they do.

the place we’re staying is a little hobbit town called babbling brook. it’s kind of funny in that it really does seem like it’s straight out of a children’s story but it’s fun. there are even a few redwoods on the grounds, the kind it would take you and three of your best friends holding hands and stretching out to try to hug the trunk.

at night, they put out cheese and crackers, wine, and a few other treats. last night we went downstairs to relax before heading over to aunt d’s for dinner. on the radio was what had to be some of the best 1920 music, real 20’s jazz like bessie smith with the crackled sounds of an old vinyl (though i’m sure they were cds). and let me tell you: something about music, the warmth, and my j2 and momexhaustion made the whole scene perfect.. just one of those warm, anonymous places in the world where you can get lost and pretend, if only for a little bit, that everything is going to be just fine, that you’ll always be warm, and that you can go to sleep every night with someone in your arms.

so in walks amanda and the 1920’s picture was complete. she had pin curls (or are they finger curls.. or is it a bob cut..?) and i swear she walked around in black and white. thin smile and all, i suddenly felt like i was in a smoky speakeasy with jazz and muted trumpets playing distantly. the one other couple there even asked her if she was french, to which she replied quickly and unambiguously, “no”. she was the server/hostess/cook/receptionist for the evening and (wo)manned the desk, kitchen, and dining room all at once. being the wallflower that i am, all i could really do was smile dumbly and eat my cheese.. and so i did until we left for aunt d’s.