the quiet america – graham greene
a good one so far but it’s much more involved and a little less applicable to my current life. i’ll get to it, though, since i need to and it’s relatively short. favorite quote so far:

“God save us always,” I said, “from the innocent and the good.”

also, my first graham greene novel but i’m already a fan of the writing style. it’s interesting, though, as it’s been a while since i’ve read a novel in the narrative style. i’m usually a bigger fan of third person but he’s doing pretty well with the limited perspective. again.. it’s been off and on with this one so it could be a while before i wrap it up.

i love numbers and math even more so. in fact, i have on my night stand a book, number theory, though i haven’t touched it for a year or so since it’s over my head. regardless, i thought tonight i might focus on some numbers in my life.

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24:

years i’ve been messing up. (what’s a post without a little self-deprecation? 😉 )

15:

hours i was out from leaving yesterday morning to getting back yesterday evening. including lunch, that was eleven hours at work.

13b:

what i’d like to send before the end of spring.

4:

days kathrine will be in town.

3:

number of times in a row i’ve been stood up (or effectively stood up) by a girl i’ve asked to dinner or to climb.

2:

a lot goes here.

awkward moments at work yesterday. the first was somewhat expected and, to some extent, created by me. long and short of it: i asked a pointed question in front of everyone and it was dodged, quite obviously, in front of everyone. i think it was fair to ask in front of everyone since the issue was initially presented to everyone for input.. it’s just that it’s fallen by the wayside for some months now and was too important to let drop. i didn’t think, though, that the answer would be so.. avoidable..? i don’t even know the answer yet, just that it will be clearer or more available around christmas. (how do you add hand gestures in type? “more available” doesn’t quite justify italics.. but it shouldn’t be quoted either since it’s not a quote.. do you know what i mean?)

the other awkward moment was caused by ms outlook’s email notification. three seconds is only enough to raise a lot of questions and not nearly enough to answer them or even give insight into them. regardless, time will tell.

kona fire stones i had last night.

bottles of wines i bought last night.

number of times the head gasket on my car has cracked.

holidays i’m spending with family this year.

major errands i still have to finish up. i’m awful at this and i end up repeating my past mistakes: the longer i put things like this off the less likely i am to do them.

1:

speaking of awkward, had one very awkward dinner saturday night across from the guy who thought i was such a fag and that so wanted to kick my ass not a few weeks ago. it was actually very friendly and we talked about climbing without any issues. i just don’t understand why someone would want to stay with him after his behavior 1) towards me and 2) towards her in the recent past. should people be that forgiving? and in that way? forgiving someone for those actions is one thing.. going back to them is another.. isn’t it?

one tooth that hurts. i hate my teeth.. i really do. they embarrass me like few things can.

messages from ljr in the past six months.

messages i haven’t returned to ljr in the past six months.

days until kathrine comes to town.

cups i’ve stolen from keyon college.

0:

times i’ve talked with ljr recently. all, of course, my fault.. just so long as i don’t create my own snowball effects.

times i’ve emailed mrl since her birthday in june.

replies that i’ve sent to cs..

christmas presents i’ve bought..

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all in all, it adds up to a lot of work to do. and a lot to figure out.

missions are stupid, tereza. i have no mission, no one has. and it’s a a terrific relief to realize you’re free, free of all missions.

every since hitting those lines from kundera’s the unbearable lightness of being, i’ve had that thought running through my head. anymore, i feel like i have to aanswer some question to myself of what it is that i’m doing, what purpose am i serving, and what should i be doing if “this” isn’t my mission.

but you can’t live day to day without some sort of mission.. can you? maybe it’s not even up to us to have a mission. after all, don’t we all end up the same in the end? and how much influence can someone have on time? geologic time? sure, you can impact something for a year maybe.. maybe a decade if you’re good.. a few have even had an impact that’s lasted for a few centuries.. but how about 10,000 years, a geological blink of an eye.

obviously, that hits on the big cliche of a question that i’d rather not get into since there really isn’t an answer anyway. but it’s something to think about.. if you have or want a mission, are you pursuing it right now? if not, why.. and what’s getting in the way of that? are you filling up with a hundred other little missions or projects and slowly bargaining away your time.. your life?

again, thoughts of tickets and travels come to mind. and coffee shops. and medicine does, too, just a little.. i’d fight tooth and nail to avoid that, though.

the other night i lost my green nephrite (jade) pendant.. again. yes, the truth is i’ve lost that pendant dozens of times. and [knock on wood] it’s come back to me everytime.

i picked it up while i was in new zealand on the last few days of trip. i actually got two, the one i wear and one slightly smaller, and gave that one to c. they’re simple.. green jade cicles with holes with thin, tattered string hitched through them. the circle, though, has special meaning to the maori

the closed circle is said to represent the circle of life, which has no beginning or end, is seamless and of which we are all a part. it also tells of the stars and planets which are part of the circle of life and contain the knowledge of our origins. it is often used to enclose other elements such as the koru, linking love and new life or new beginnings with the circle of life. for an artist the circle represents the relationship or oneness between the artist and his craft, bringing together head, hand and heart.

now, i think it’s a nice idea and all, especially the seamlessness of life and the universe, but it’s not as though i live my life that way. mostly, i just thought it was an interesting thought, some cool jade, and had some meaning behind it that c and i had often spoken of.

so, the point of all this..

sunday night, when i realized it was missing yet again, i got pretty flustered. usually when i lose my necklace, i have a decent idea of where it is. this time, though, i couldn’t be sure since it fell out of my hat at some point during the night. i wasn’t sure if it fell out by the bench, on the field, or in the parking lot.. any of which could’ve spelled the end of it all if a kid found it before the building staff did. when i thought about it more and how bare i felt without it around my neck.

i guess it struck me as interesting for a few of reasons.

first of all, it’s a stupid round rock on a string. for all practical purposes, it’s more a hinderance than a help. in fact, it doesn’t help in any way other than some type of mental solace. afterall, when i run with it on, it usually ends up turning on its side and slowly slices away at my sternum. after about three minutes, it’s unbearable and i have to stop to take it off anyway.

then another thing: when i picked it up from the cafe, the guy laughed for a bit and gave me a hard time. “how many times have you lost this?” he asked. “what are you going to do to make sure you aren’t going to lose it again?” truth is, there’s not much else i can do. i really do try to keep track of it. if it ever did get completely lost, i’ve decided i’d have to take a flight back to new zealand, relive the entire trip, and then and only then find the exact same type of necklace to act as a pretty sorry replacement for the original. until that happened, i would be incomplete as a person and live with my head in the clouds, walking the halls like a

i got to thinking just how annoying it can be when people talk about taking things for granted or not appreciating what they have. the truth of it is, though, that i don’t think i take my pendant for granted at all. sure, i lose it from time to time.. but that isn’t a reflection on how much it means to me.. just a note on my ability to keep things straight. losing it doesn’t set me straight or make it suddenly more important to me.. it merely made me think that i need to get things in order. i can’t spend my life thinking 24/7 about my necklace and where it is.

of course, these thoughts bleed into others about life and living. i don’t claim to be one of the best friends around.. i’m pretty bad at keeping in touch.. actually awful at it. but that has never meant that i don’t care about those people, or that i take them for granted in my life, or that i’ve forgotten them. all it means is that i’m still trying to get my life in order.

because right now.. it’s.. well it’s kinda lost somewhere

when i was grinding some coffee in my office the other day, the smell of fresh coffee filled the air and started to soak into my skin. for a second i was annoyed and thought about how i’d be like a caffeine addicted pigpen, walking around with a cloud of coffee fumes surrounding me and dragging my burlap coffee sack behind me. but then i realized how happen that made me and how much i couldn’t care less if i reaked of coffee for the rest of the day. i dug my hands into the beans and hoped someone would comment later as i shook their hand.

anyway, it got me to thinking about should’s and could’s as they relate to work. personally, i can’t think of anything much better than owning and working at my own coffee shop. i know i’ve romanticized the coffee scene a bit much.. but i’m pretty sure i’d love it. i think i’d still say that my favorite job so far was working for the uptown bakery. the smell, the food, the people.. it was too much fun, really. and i know it doesn’t really count since it was in the summer but i never got bogged down with questions about purpose or responsibility or missions.. i really just “was” at the shop.

if anything can break me out of this rut, maybe coffee can 😉

get it? that’s punny! 😉